Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
