Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
