Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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