haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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