I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
