RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
