for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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