True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
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