Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
