Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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