Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
