Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
