honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm at about main and main street
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
