just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
