I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
