you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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