dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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