my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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