chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
