there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
