I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
