I love black thongs
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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