He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
