And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
