I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
