Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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