I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
