I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
