Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
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O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
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We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
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I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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