She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
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vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
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Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven