chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
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he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
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You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.