Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Good thing I've started drinking again
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today