He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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