I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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