remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
