Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He better not be in your backpack
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
