If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
