i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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