my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
