my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You made out with two different species that night
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Randomize
