i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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