Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
