ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
