just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
