...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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