Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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