i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
