So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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