So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
