see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD