Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
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My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
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So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.