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• (813): View more from Florida

  God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

  Fav 13 6310 1456

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....

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• (304): View more from West Virginia

  I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face

  Fav 10 3577 1037

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• (712): View more from Iowa

  buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.

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  29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard

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• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

  Fav 16 10600 1493

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• (613): View more from Ontario

  New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

  Fav 12 2457 1051

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  You almost set me on fire last night.

  (1-732): View more from New Jersey

  You probably deserved it.

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• (410): View more from Maryland

  Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.

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• (320): View more from Minnesota

  Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.

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  21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex

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• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard

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• (865): View more from Tennessee

  I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.

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• (314): View more from Missouri

  She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"

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• (216): View more from Ohio

  If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.

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• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen

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