God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen