I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
