I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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