I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
