I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
