all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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