i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
