Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We got so high we made milksteak
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
