I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Randomize
