She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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