I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
