My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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