My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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